Monday, 25 March 2013

Definitely not the Sparkle Olympics

So to carry on the below post from Charlie I’d like to confirm and clarify a few things in anticipation for tomorrows opening ceremony of the Sparkle Olympics…wait, no, that sounds like some sort of horrendous stripper games where the kind of events you’d expect to find are “Best projection of ‘dead inside eyes’ across a crowded bar”, “100 yard gash” and “Clearest heels”. The gold medal isn’t in fact a medal, but the redemption of Daddy’s approval and a cash prize to finally pay off that HECS debt. Hmmm I think I’ll work on the name…anyhow, onto the things I’m trying to say.

One – Yes, they are real pills filled with real edible glitter. Well sort of edible glitter anyhow. After closer inspection, seeing how I’d only learned that glitter is made of glass, (yes seriously… fucking glass. I’m pretty sure it was just an accident that it looks incredibly pretty in the sunlight when some sick bastard was sitting around one day after dropping a glass jug on the ground and thought to himself “You know, the only way the beauty of this moment could be enhanced is by throwing this in a child’s face and sticking it on things they love to eat and hold close to their skin.” What the hell guy?!) soon after agreeing to eat these and, crazy me, I insisted on finding out what the fuck edible glitter is made from before shoving in my face hole. Turns out, it’s not technically edible. It’s not digestible therefore not able to be classified as a food but it’s non-toxic (huzzah!) so it shouldn’t kill me.

Also, we’re choosing to see it not being digestible as only being a positive because, well, that means that it won’t dissolve in my stomach and therefore the chance for sparkly poops can only be directly proportionate to the amount of these things I ingest. Clearly that’s right because I used science and math terms. You can’t argue with science and maths.

And glass apparently, at least according to that one guy anyhow.

Two – I am in fact going to document my experience from ingestion to the fabulous conclusion. There will probably be photos. I say “probably” because unless anyone can get to me fast enough to stop me, I will post them.


Three – I’ve made Charlie my emergency contact for this so in the event that something does go catastrophically wrong, she will still be able to upload and document the events that unfold or explode. Probably explode. Actually I’m 90% sure that something is going to go wrong with this but I personally feel that if the only good thing that comes of this endeavour is that I manage to make the evening of the emergency staff at one of our hospitals, then it’s a night well spent. Those guys work hard they need some zazz in their life. No one can say I’m not a team player now.

So with that all said and cleared up I will shortly bring to you, my lovely fellow maniacs, the story of sparkly poops.

1 comment:


    ... I hope you called your mother and told her you love her before you took those things.


Please insert your own individual brand of lunacy here: